What is the most important, most
challenging, and most rewarding job you can have? If you answered "being
a parent", we both agree. I have never understood why such an
important job comes with so little training. There are many things that
influence our parenting decisions, and for that reason, we all tend to
parent in different ways. I believe that most parents want what is best
for their children. We want our children to feel loved, to be happy, and
to grow up to be successful. But sometimes, despite our best intentions,
we handle things in a way that may not have the desired outcome.
It seems there are many parents
who let their children do what they want, buy them most every thing they
ask for, and let them get by without any household responsibilities. The
children may enjoy having parents that remind us a little of a
jellyfish: parents who say no, but will give in with a little begging
and pushing. These parents say, "don't do that", but do not give
the child any consequences should he or she "do it" anyway. They have
no firm boundaries or guidelines, causing the children to continue
pushing the limits just to see what the "real" limit is.
This type of parenting may work
without any serious consequences until the children become teenagers. As
teens, the children often begin pushing limits in harmful ways, such as
smoking, driving too fast, staying out past curfew, and having sex. If
parents try to establish firmer control at this point by setting limits
and consequences, the teen will likely become defiant, resulting in a
stormy teen/parent relationship. The parents may wonder what they did
wrong; after all, they have been good parents, giving their child
everything.
The solution is not to do the
opposite and parent like a "brick wall", with extremely rigid rules
and no flexibility, but to parent like an oak tree, providing security
and stability, yet being flexible. These parents begin teaching their
children to become responsible at an early age, one step at a time. He
or she allows children to make choices and learn from the choices they
make. The "oak tree" parents also sets boundaries and limits for
their children and stick to them. They provide logical consequences as a
learning experience if the child breaks a rule. With these experiences
children grow up respecting themselves and others, being able to
evaluate their choices, and understanding that there are either positive
or negative consequences for their actions. They feel secure with the
boundaries that have been established and understand that pushing the
limits will not get then what they want.
Confusing? You bet! Wouldn't it
be wonderful if children came with handbooks? Since they don't, it is
often helpful to seek-out resources to help with this important job. One
of the best places to look is in the Parent Resource area of your child's
school. Several organizations also offer parenting workshops throughout
the year. Take advantage of these wonderful opportunities to learn all
you can while your children are still young. If you have older children,
you may be interested in next month's article on parenting teens.
If you have a topic you would
like a future article to address, please e-mail Naomi at naomi@nb.counseling.com
