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Did You Divorce Your Child
 When You Divorced Your Spouse?

As a counselor, I have worked with many children whose parents are divorced.  Divorce has an impact on children, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the adults' decision to end the marriage.  There are changes to adjust to, and sad, hurt and angry feelings to deal with, just as there are with the adults involved.  Many times children think they are to blame for the divorce.  There are times, particularly when any type of abuse has been present in the home, that children are relieved when parents divorce.  But that is the exception.  In time, children of any divorce can adjust to the changes in their lives and continue to grow and flourish.  However, some children have a very hard time and emotional problems develop, which can be seen in behavior, attitude, and school performance.  What make the difference?  You, the parents do! Research shows that it is not the divorce that hurts the child, but the continued parental conflict.

In this article I will focus on the role of the non-custodial parent, which has traditionally been the father; however, the information provided applies to either parent. 

• One of the most important factors in helping children grow is time.  It is extremely important for the parent to show that he cares about and loves his child by spending time with the child.  This includes keeping all scheduled visitation.  Do not let your child down by not showing-up, not only is she disappointed that she isn't getting to spend time with you, she may think that she is not important to you. If there is a need to make adjustments, let the child know as far in advance as possible and reassure the child that you are disappointed that you have to make the change.  Call your child frequently.  Go to school functions and athletic events. Make an effort to see your child between weekend visitations.
   
  A parent may feel that if he sends child support and buys the child gifts that he is taking care of the child.  Yes these things are important, but the child would much rather have time with you (if you are a loving person) than any thing money can buy.  From a child's point of view, if you don't spend time with him, he is not a priority in your life.
   
• Also of great importance is communication with the child's other parent.  With very young children it is important to let the custodial parent know general plans.  Accept phone calls, if the mother calls to check on the child. (This is not necessarily a questioning of your ability, but a genuine concern and love for the child).  Regardless of age, both parents should share concerns with each other.  Each adult should have a way to reach the other parent in case of an emergency.  Protect the child by speaking directly to each other, instead of sending messages through the child.  And by all means, try to treat each other with respect.  You may not be friends, but you are both parents to the same child.  Your actions speak about you.  
    
• Often divorced parents feel hurt and angry at each other.  This may transfer to being critical of the other's parenting skills or decisions the ex-spouse made.  Be careful about your comments concerning the other parent.  Children, will again feel that they are to blame for the bad feelings, simply because the disagreement relates to them.  If you criticize the other parent, the child may feel you are criticizing him.
   
  There are times that anger toward the ex-spouse spills over on the child.  They may be punished more severely, (because if your mother didn't let you get by with so much, I wouldn't need to do this). Dad may be reluctant to call his child, because he doesn't want to deal with Mom's wrath.  Maybe Dad even says he's not going to pick the children up to get even with mom for something she said.  Is anger getting in the way of your love?

Children need you to nurture them, set limits and protect them.  Put yourself in your child's shoes so you will be able to make decisions in their best interest.

Most parents want their children to be happy and well adjusted.  Are your actions showing this?

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